Addictions Aftermath

It was Sunday morning. There he was...standing before the congregation giving his testimony of his life long battle with alcoholism. As he poured his heart out my ears were ringing....what did he just say?? Are we sure that he isn't talking about food addiction? Because everything he is saying sounds just like the thoughts in my head!

As he revealed his testimony he would talk about his daily struggle to decide each day when he awoke whether to drink or not. Before his feet would hit the floor he was already thinking about drinking or not drinking. Would this be the day he conquers his addiction? Or would this be a day that he crashes...and causes him to spiral out of control for weeks?

He would talk about the person he was under the influence verses the person he is sober. They were 2 completely different people. One you would not recognize if you knew the other. One was happy, deep into the Father's word each day, full of wisdom, confidence that exudes him. The other was a drunken man, lifeless, full of anger, bitterness, wanting to just die.

I heard him talk about Jesus with a completely cognizant knowing between right and wrong. He knows what will happen if he takes a drink. He knows what the Bible says about over-indulgence. He knows that prayer will give him strength to get through that desire....but his flesh still wins out time and time again.

He talks about long lengths of time with triumphs and defeating this habit. He talks about sinking back into the depths of despair with one little slip up that turns into a 3 week binge.

He talked about the sadness that he would go through each time he decides to pull his life back together knowing that he would never get to experience that high  again. Knowing that that taste would not be on his lips. The momentary feeling of the struggles of this world fade away as the alcohol would bleed into his bloodstream. The sadness of life not being as fun without the alcohol.

He talks about how he can see himself as being successful. Someone who doesn't even desire to be under the influence. He sees himself as a confident and hard-working addition to this society. He can see it in his mind. He can imagine what that person would look like, talk like, act like. He can even imagine that person to be real.

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Now, go back through those paragraphs and replace "he" with "she". Replace "alcohol" with "food".

He...the one with the alcohol addiction...is no different than me...the one with the food addiction. We both know what it will take to beat the clutches of addiction. We both know how victorious the triumphs will be to overcome this way of life. We both know what God has to say in His word about addictions, greed, how are bodies are to be treated as a temple because the Holy Spirit lives within us. But it doesn't stop us.

We are redeemed for a season of time, and then we fall back. Sometimes falling harder than the time before. Sometimes not falling very far at all. But each time we fall we go through the suffering of guilt, depression, desperation, wanting to be saved from ourselves. We worry about who we have disappointed, who we hurt during our trial, how badly have we deteriorated our bodies this time?

We think about how undeserving we are of this love God has to give if we can't even kick these habits. We feel defeated. Once we have sobered we look in the mirror and see the horror that those fleshly decisions wreaked havoc on our bodies this time. Another part of our soul decaying away as we realize how much time has been lost during our selfish bout.

Oh, how much time satan had to speak deceit into our minds while we were under the influence of our drugs. How much work. How much praying and laying flat on the ground before God will it take to undo the harm on our hearts and minds.

Somehow, someway...even when we feel so undeserving and unworthy...Jesus takes us back into the warmth of His covering. He shows us how he never actually left us. He tells us how He saw our stuggles and how He wanted to help us so badly...but all He needed us to do was call out his name...Jesus...Messiah...counselor....Name above all names...Majesty.

He reminds us that He died for every single person on this earth. Not just the "good" ones. There will never be a time that He will not love us. He wants us to have the desires of our heart more than anything.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Our desire? To beat addiction. To honor God with our minds, our bodies, and our souls. To show Him even an ounce of the love that He has shown us. To draw closer to Him when we are weak. To rely on God for every moment of every day. To go deeper and deeper in prayer with him until we lose sight of our fleshly selves and begin to see in the mirror what God sees in us every day. To be His lights unto the world.

{10} Things I am doing to lose weight

At the beginning of January I topped out at 240.8...again....

as of today, I am at 217. That is a loss of 23.8 pounds. I can't wait to hit the 215 mark....and then the 200...and then I am going to bust out of the 200 jail!!!

I get asked the question...What are you doing to lose the weight?...quite often...

so let me take you through a few ways I am losing the weight.

{1} I am getting up and moving. Instead of not doing any exertion whatsoever beyond daily norms. This picture was taken after coming in from playing in the snow with my 4 year old. Where I actually played, not just stand there and watch him play while I count the minutes until it is time to go back in. I mean, ran in the snow, played with the dog, shoveled a tunnel, built a snowman....built memories. I have done this several times this winter

 

    
{2} When I have to be out of the house, I make healthy choices for food. This place in DesMoines we found is a hidden treasure! It is a Juice bar called Fresh. They juice fresh fruits, vegetables, herbs, and make healthy meals like this meal you see here....but more on this place coming soon!

 

Here is another healthy eating out option. Jimmy Johns offers an "unwich". You can take any of the regular sandwiches on the menu and turn it into an unwich...they just replace the bread with large leaf lettuce. Another great thing is that you can go to their website and calculate how many calories are in what you ate! More on this later as well...

  

{3} At home I make healthy choices. My diet mostly consists of salads, fresh homemade versions of juicing, fruits (my favorites are braeburn apples or ruby red grapefruits plain), chicken, or eggs. I hardly every carbohydrates, dairy, or processed foods. One thing I have not given up on is my hazelnut or french vanilla International Delight coffee creamer. I drink the full fat regular kinds. I am not willing to give it up. It is my favorite part of every morning.

  

{4}When I prepare foods for parties or gatherings I don't just throw everything in without thinking. I deliberately think about each ingredient and its calorie impact on the food. I made these deviled eggs with plain greek yogurt instead of all the usual fillings. I used fresh dill and some Dijon mustard for flavoring. They weren't too bad. I calculated the calories to be 44 calories for each half of a egg. 

  

{5}Around the house....on my kitchen island I have this sign...reminding me to drink water! Some days I am great at getting all of my water in...other days not so much! But this constant reminder helps me!

 

 

{6}Pushing myself out of my comfort zone...I am pushing my body places it has never been! This picture was taken right after I had completed 10 continuous miles on my elliptical! 

  

{7}My octane elliptical....It has been a God send! Purchased on February 12th and it sits in my living room upstairs where I am with the boys most days. I didn't shove it in the basement...or take decorating into consideration. I put it where I knew I would have no excuses. This picture was today at the end of my 75 minute workout...8 miles! I also push myself with the level. I never do a level 1. I generally go between level 2 and level 5. I spend the most time on level 3. The Octane is a little different motion than the normal elliptical's..in that its motion is as close to jogging as any of the elliptical's offer. This brand is endorsed by Bob Greene who is Oprah's trainer. I purchased it from 2nd Wind in DesMoines.

 

I started logging my miles on February 13th. In 35 days I have completed 102.65 miles on my machine! Woah! 

 {8}Calorie counting....this is how I keep track of what I am eating and make sure I stay on track. I use the free website MyFitnessPal I am able to calculate my calories and add in my exercise, in addition to tracking my weight loss and connect with others to get and give motivation.

{9}Measuring. I just started measuring my body March 1st. I measure my waist, hips, bust, and upper thighs. In just 20 days I have lost over 9 inches!!! I so wish I had taken measurements back when I started! I am down 3 pant sizes already!

{10}Last but certainly not least...my online support group. You can read more about why the group was started here. Two reasons this is good for me. #1, leading the group gives me motivation to keep at it and stay focused. #2, I have a private place to talk out frustrations or excitements with other people who are going through the same journey! I really love these groups! Yep...I said groups. I manage one group...and then I was invited to be a part of 2 others. All women from different areas and backgrounds...if 1 group is good...surely 3 is even better! I can't get too much support on this journey!

Happiness is soul reviving

Happiness feels good. Even the Bible mentions that laughter is medicine for the soul. It releases endorphins in your body and it feels good. Back in the day I can remember getting off onto a giggling rant with the girls...you know, the kind that you can't stop no matter what! Now a days...if I did that I would surely pee my pants. What tmi? Moving on. I laugh here and there. But I can't remember the last time I laughed hysterically to the point I can't stop or control it. Wait...I do remember...

....it was December 2009. My mom, River, & I were wading in the ocean out in front of our hotel on Waikiki beach. It was beautiful. We were having a wonderful time. And all of the sudden...here comes my husband. Carrying scuba gear, water camera, towels...and a huge smile on his face that said he couldn't wait to get in the water. Wait, this isn't a funny story? Just wait. It gets better. So..the scene is picture perfect. My mom & I are looking on to James as he gets closer, waving to let him know where we are...And he starts waving, still with the big smile on his face. And picks up his pace as I am sure he is anxious to get his feet in the sand. Then...step, step...thud, crash. In all of his excitement he walked straight off of a ledge and totally face planted into the sand and the people surrounding. Now, I should be sympathetic and worry about his well being. But I tell you this was like something straight off of Funniest Home Videos. I could not stop laughing. Every time I think about it, I still start laughing. I know, I am horrible person that laughs when people fall. I don't know what it is in me that makes me laugh.

Anyhow...back to where I started. Those kind of all out laughs feel good. I don't do it as often as I should I am sure.

Other things that release happiness inside of me? Well...For starters...this:

Seeing the decline in a graph isn't always a good thing. But when that graph is keeping track of your weight loss..it's a GREAT thing! This morning I weighed in at 220.4. started last Wednesday at 225. Means I have 3.4 more pounds to lose in 9 days before I leave for the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, California. Totally doable! Yesterday I did my 5:15 AM kickboxing class, then I worked out to Jillian's 30 day shred at noon, then I went on a 1.5 mile hilly walk after supper. Today I completed my first full week of kickboxing class! I love it! The first few days I found myself letting out a lot of agression. Seeing faces and hearing words that make me angry, and taking it out on the bag. The last few days I haven't done that as much. I have been focusing on the bag, and my technique, and wondering if my arms are going to soon detach from my shoulders. Seriously, I sweat so much and I LOVE it!

Another thing that makes me happy instantly? Is reading and looking at the pictures at Erin's blog! Erin is the author of House of Turquoise! If you love the color turquoise, you are going to love looking at the beautiful photos of these decorated rooms! It is so inspiring and instantly gives me a feeling of relaxation and happy. If turquoise isn't your thing, then hop on over to her other website: Decor by Color. Where you can get other great color inspirations! Erin is about to turn thirty in a few days and is putting on an awesome giveaway! Although I would prefer you don't enter the contest because I want to win...it is totally worth it to share this beautiful women and her talent!

Well, my mom just got here to spend some time together for that day, and that makes me happy as well. So, I am off for the day!

Happy Friday everyone!

You Can't Out Me If I Out Myself First!

It is true. You can't out me, if I out myself first! That is how this all started. One day, I opened up my blog and started blabbing about my weight loss rollercoaster. One thing led to another, and all of the sudden I revealed my weight to the world. At that point I was 243.6. I was soooo scared. As we know in bloggy land, you are opening a can of worms by saying anything at all! And you are opening yourself up to any and all criticism by just speaking. The result of my weight reveal...so far so good. So far nobody has come on here and said...ewww fatty! So far everything has been supportive and uplifting. The biggest result? I could care less that people know how much I weigh. Really. I mean, it's not like I was really able to hide it...not like just because people didn't know my "number" that they didn't really know how overweight I was. I use the word "was" loosely as I am still far from not being overweight.

I am improving. In 10 months I have lost 21.8 pounds. Not earthshattering...but it is something...and at least I am not gaining. My first goal is to get to 175. I can not imagine how good 175 will feel. Reality is though, at the rate I am losing (only average 2.1 pounds a month) it will take me nearly 23 months to reach that weight. Almost 2 more years! That really won't do. I have to step things up. Which is why I am going to the Biggest Loser Resort. These 18 days of strict regimen plus my one week at the BL Resort...just HAS to give me the jump start to keep me going. IF I am able to get to 217 before September 26 (which is my goal) and IF I am able to lose 5 or 6 pounds at the resort...I would be at approximately 211. Which is definitely another pant size down, and for me a huge achievement. IF I make it to that 211 mark, that will be 32.6 pounds lost. IF I lose another 5 pounds by November that will mean I have lost nearly 38 pounds in a year. Now...when you step back and look at it that way...it sounds a lot better! The lowest I have weighed in the 6-1/2 years I have been married is 189.

Ok, since most of that info is hypothetical let's go with the facts. It has been 8 days today since I revealed my adventure of going to the BL Resort. In that 8 days I have lost 3.2 pounds. This means I have 4.8 pounds to lose by the 26th. Just 12 days.

3.2 pounds divided by 8 days = 0.4 pounds lost per day.

0.4 avg pounds per day x 18 days = 7.2 pounds potentially lost from Sept 8th to Sept 26th

225 starting weight - 7.2 pounds = 217.8

I still believe it is doable.

I still believe in myself.

Um, what did I do!!??

Yesterday I announced that I will be leaving in 18 days to stay at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, California. This morning I may have woke up thinking...um...Janelle...what did you do!?!??!!? You know, being that I signed up to go so quickly so that I can be their for the opening day of the resort...means...NO REFUNDS. I am committed. I can't turn back. This is it!

Here is what got me to start panicing a bit. I opened up my confirmation email and starting looking at all the details of my trip. I had read there would be hiking...so I knew that was coming...and I knew that it is in the mountains. However, I missed the part that said there will be 2-1/2 HOURS of hiking per day...plus 5 fitness classes...plus 2 educational classes per day. Thank God they have a chef that makes all of our meals for us! I am trying to get my body used to  eating the 1200 calories a day so that I don't go into complete shock! I also started working out today. I went for a walk this morning...only 1.1 miles...but still I got up and did it. I will do at least 2 miles in the morning. I am also looking to get into an aerobics class of some sort. However, my membership is to Anytime Fitness and they don't have aerobics classes.

I am completely thrilled with all the support I am getting from my friends IRL and my blogger friends! And now for me to show you the most fun purchase I made today...something that was on my required list for the hiking:

The CamelBak High Visibility Hydration Pack

Yep, that is a hydration pack that carries water and has a tube thingy that I can just drink from so that I don't have to stop. This pack will also carry another one of my required items...a first aid kit. hah! I wonder if They have collapsable gurneys that I could fit in that pack? hmmm...???

Organization

While in the process of creating the ability to purchase online on our (J&J Inspirations) website...and watching my web designer navigate around the page, changing this, changing that...I finally found out that adding "pages" to my blog is SUPER easy. And this excites me! Organizing my posts in categories is fun! I really do like lists, whether I adhere to them or actually use them all the time...I do like them...and my mind works better using them. I would like to introduce the first two pages to you!

Raising Boys page is the hub for listing all the posts in my series. It lists both the posts that are published, and a link to the people who are lined up to guest post next!

Weight Loss Rollercoaster page is where I have all of my posts in regards to my weight loss...ahem...or weight gains at times. If you have been around this blog for awhile you will remember that back in November I revealed my weight to the world. I don't know what possessed me to publish this number that I have fought my entire life to hide behind...but I did it and there is no going back. (Well, unless I deleted it of course...but I don't want to do that because freedom is wonderful!) There isn't always success to read on these posts...but is the brutal honesty of the weight struggles that I go through every day.

Future pages I plan to add: Arts & Crafts and Food

I can't believe I never did this before! It was so easy!